When we tell someone that we love them, do we stop to think what this powerful word truly means? 

We have children and from the moment we find out that they are expected to join us on this earth, we grow a love that is truly unconditional. We love them no matter how they come into our arms. We continue to love them unconditionally as they’re adjusting, crying, whimpering and constantly changing as the months go on. They start to grow into their personalities as they begin to walk, talk and explore. We still love them unconditionally. They’re able to form opinions, push the limits, express themselves in many forms and act out in ways to be heard and get attention. It tests, and, at times, stresses us as parents but these people we created are still loved unconditionally. Our children are becoming adults and making minor life decisions that will grow into major ones. We pray for the best but at times they learn the hard way and yet we understand that they are not perfect and we love them so unconditionally. Through the good, bad and ugly, that love never changes.

We begin to love and express this to the one that we love in many ways so they feel unconditional love. By the actions we show, the word we express and the spiritual connection that’s shared, this feeling of unconditional love continues to grow. A mistake is made, words misunderstood and this love is tested. The feeling of unconditional love takes over and we work through the issues, sticking side by side stronger than ever. In a moment of vulnerability, attention went elsewhere and a new relationship begins to form.…women, drugs, money which grew into, lies, deceit and unwanted surprises.

One of our visions begins to blur, the feeling of unconditional love begins to escape and the blur is being wiped away now knowing that this love has conditions because situations became too much to bear. One the other side, the blurred vision is nurtured, washing away fears and doubts, regaining the vision to see clearly that a true love is meant to be fought for….unconditionally.

So how is it that, many of us love conditionality although we may feel it’s unconditional until the until or what if happens. Is this intentional or not intentional? What if an unconditional love meant letting go? Is that possible or is that another condition or exception to the rule?

A mind of his own, a trend setter and go-getter. Growing up to be a leader and not a follower. Abiding by the rules, analyzing situations to understand the difference between right, wrong and consequences, both good and bad. An easy going soul but not one to be walked over. He may not show his emotions, but if you know him and pay attention, you will see what he feels. One to take charge and let it be known how things should be. Completing life’s goals one by one and I couldn’t be more proud. He is there playing and living a role that is an honor, a responsibility and something to be proud of….a big brother to 3 young, growing men. A teacher in his own way, to those who are around him on daily. Patience, humor and self reassurance is indirectly taught and I for one have definitely been a student. My first born son Jason: “The healer”

Unique and true to his name, a free spirit and one to not be pulled in any direction. His mind is made up as he debates and challenges to prove his point. If you needed a real life definition of a sour patch, this would be him. Cuts no breaks in what needs to be said but is one of the most lovable humans in my life. True to himself no matter what anyone in this world may think. He doesn’t change and I admire that. He does his best to stay prepared and ahead of the game, questions the questionable and isn’t afraid to ask the right questions. Boldness, confidence and faith is what comes to mind when I speak of this young man. Ojavion, truly lives up to his name by being the unique person that he is.

Very quiet but his mind is always on go! Selective with his interactions and assesses the scene before diving in. He opens up when he’s ready to trust and not a minute sooner. Artistic in both story telling and pictures. A talent that I adore so much. A young man who shows empathy, passion and emotion. His love for others is amazing. Indecisive at times but it’s because he knows what he wants and refuses to settle. Picky in his ways, but his ways are clear and understood. He is the behind the scenes kind of young man and I can relate. Meticulous, caring and crafty are the words for my soul twin. My Jayden, meaning “he will judge and thankful”.

The youngest of the bunch yet the one with the biggest personality. Stubborn as a bull but he stands on what he knows. Very insightful and is great on explaining his point of views in any situation. He loves to explore and his innocence allows him to be free while doing so. A jokester, his sense of humor is contagious. His mother’s shadow in the physical and emotional form. He respectfully speaks his mind so freely. A young man of many words, thoughts and ideas, things that are encouraged to keep that confidence. Carefree, strong willed and inquisitive describe Justin, “just, uproar and righteous.”

🤴🏾🤴🏾🤴🏾🤴🏾

They understand you, respect you, guide you, coaches you, believes in you and cares for you in a way that you pray for because you know it’s what you are deserving of. Having intellectual conversations about anything and everything under the sun. Opinions are spoken, understood and respected. They challenge you to think outside of the box and critically about current events and sensitive issues that have occurred.

A safe place is established and provided where you can be vulnerable to release whatever is on your mind and heart. Expressing yourself becomes a norm and no longer a task, speaking your truth isn’t a burden but it’s welcomed. A no judgement zone where you can be totally free and true to yourself. Feelings become strong not because of the physical but because you’ve been stimulated mentally, emotionally and spiritually in a way that hasn’t happened before. Knowing this, the physical becomes the reward, icing on the cake to an already beautiful creation.

You’re able to be submissive naturally. It’s not forced but organically established that we have roles to play and they must be played accordingly. To no longer have to play the role that wasn’t meant to be played is a relieving and liberating feeling. Having that level of trust and assurance is something special and not taken for granted.

To see and experience what is to become of this pleasantly, unexpected encounter is unimaginable and hard to put into the words that it deserves. To build this type of bond is truly one of a kind and the beginning of something special.

“Espero el futuro contigo mi amor. Muchos abrazos y besos para ti.”

I made a decision to move out of state with my kids once my oldest son graduated high school. For them, it was a sudden move being that where we were moving from was all they knew. I first had to go out of town for training for a month and then move to the state where my new job would be. I didn’t have much transition time so I had to plan everything as best as I could without any interruptions. My mother was coming from out of state to keep after my boys so I also had to factor in making sure she returned home while getting my house in order for the move. The first week of me being away for training, my mother got sick and the ambulance had to be called for her for some existing health issues. Stressed out couldn’t begin to describe how I was feeling. She began to get better and I was somewhat focused enough to continue on with training.

Then training really began and I realized that this was more of an extended vacation than job training. It was a little frustrating because I wanted to learn what I would be doing once I started working and I was away from my kids right at the beginning of the school year. “Training” continued on for the next 6 weeks and I was finally able to go home to my kids and get ready for our next journey. The morning that I returned home, I had to call the ambulance for my mother again but this time she was admitted to the hospital for four days. At this point, I’m going back and forth to the hospital a couple of times a day, packing my house and making sure my boys were still getting everything they needed from me. We left on a Sunday morning because I began working that Monday afternoon. It was emotional to say the least but it was time for a new beginning.

I don’t regret many things that I’ve done in my life, but I started to regret moving my boys to a different state and things not flowing how I thought they would. I couldn’t enroll them into school because I hadn’t found a place yet. My job put us in a suite or 2 weeks since I came from another state but after that, I would be on my own. To prevent things from getting worse, I sent my boys with their father so that they would be able to at least start school. My goodness what a tough time that was. I’m very hands on with my kids and I felt so helpless when it came to being there for them the way I was when we were all together. After some time, things just weren’t getting better. I still hadn’t found a place of my own, getting into near physical altercations, working an insane amount of hours and just very unhappy with how things were going with my job. After five months, I finally had enough and decided to leave both the job and the state. I was also beginning to be worried about my kids emotionally. I would see them for the holidays, birthdays and when I had my days off back to back. But each time it was harder for me to go and I could see all of their emotions in their faces and body language. So I decided to move to another area where I lived before and had a good support system and within a few months, I had a place and after almost an entire year, my boys were back with me.

There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep from missing them so much. For missing that one one one time with them. For not being able to cook for them, not kissing and hugging them before going to bed. Many days I wanted to give up just to be with them but I never knew how strong I was until this past year being without them. I had to keep going so they knew that this time away from each other was only temporary so that I could have a home for them to return to once again.

We find ourselves in many situations in life, good, bad and ugly. How we handle these situations tells us about ourselves and how we find the strength to continue on in this beautiful adventure called life. Whether it’s for ourselves or someone/something else strength is what keeps us moving and persevering.

Strength: /streNG(k)TH/

noun: the influence or power possessed by a person, organization or country; the degree of intensity of a feeling or belief; the quality or state of being physically strong

I get a friend request one day from someone with the same last name as myself. I don’t really pay it too much attention because one, I’m such an introvert and interacting at times can be a little overwhelming for me and two, who’s to say that we are related. Well, my Papa passed and this person reaches out to send his condolences. Right before Christmas, Davon reaches out and says hey, I’m your cousin, we should chat sometime. Of course, I fire away with questions just to see if we really are and how we are related. After some intense questioning, lol, I find out that we are indeed first cousins on my father’s side. I also find out that he has a brother near where he lives. Wow! Two older cousins that live only a few hours away from me. I felt so many emotions within the days of us speaking. We did Zoom to see each other and talk. We shared a lot of information about our family. He didn’t know much of our family but I was more than happy to share what I did know. I spoke to his brother Armald about a month or so later when he reached out. It AMAZED me how much we had in common and how similar we were once we started speaking. They were welcoming and very open to having a new cousin around. I know that I have a huge family on my father’s side, it’s just unfortunate that I don’t know many of them. I have two brothers that I’ve been wanting to find for many years. I know very little information about them but always hoped that it would be enough someday to find them.

Going back two weeks ago…

I’m on instagram and I see that my dad has a page…which I find very strange. But something told me to click on it even though there wasn’t a picture. He had 4 friends on his page, one who’s named Ishmeil. That is one of my brother’s names. I’m thinking to myself, there’s no way that this could be this easy to find one of my brothers. I waited a few days before I finally sent a message asking where he was born. He told me and it wasn’t the same city where I was born. I then asked had he ever been to the city where I was from and he said no but he had a sister that was born there. The wheels in my head really started turning then. I began asking him questions that only a sibling would know regardless of the fact that we didn’t know each other. I told him that I had two brothers that I never met and their names were Ishmeil and Shantel/Shantrel. He said that he had a brother named Shawntel. He then told me his mothers name and I knew for a fact that I had found one of my brothers!! I found my other brother on facebook the same day. I then told my other siblings that they were finally found we all did a video chat. That was definitely unexpected but I’m so glad that we finally found them!!

2020 was a roller coaster year for sure. My aunt and her husband both caught it and luckily got over it. Unfortunately, my grandfather, Papa, passed away from Covid back in December. I remember my sister calling me to tell me that he was in the hospital with Covid and was on dialysis. As scared as I was, I still had hope that he would come out of this. A few days later, she told me that he was on a ventilator. He passed away the next evening. I was mad that I couldn’t be with my family, especially my mom. I was sad and hurt. This loss was too close to home. The memories started to flood and I thought abut all those times he would see my pictures on social media and would tell me to smile. I took a random picture of me smiling just for him and he was happy. I burned my hair when I was a little girl and I remember him coming by to see me afterwards. When I was in kindergarten, I went to his house after school and I would eat his leftover pancakes and bacon. It made me so happy. So many bbq’s with him and his friends playing dominoes, spades and playing the blues during the summer. He came to graduations, birthday parties and any other family gatherings. He loved to bowl and fish all of the time. He caught and brought fish home one day and I just happened to be there at his house. Papa was about to clean the fish so he had a couple on the table on some newspaper. I asked him about the fish and he said don’t put your finger in it’s mouth because it would get me. When he turned his head to the sink, I stuck my finger in the fish’s mouth and it bit me! I snatched my finger back and tried to hide how scared I was and he laughed, turned around and said, “See I told you.” Loss is so hard, especially when it’s family. But thankfully we have memories to look back on to keep up smiling. I definitely miss him on social media telling us to be blessed. I still tear up when I see his pictures randomly pop up because I know this is all I have and when I go home, I won’t see him in the flesh. Papa, we will definitely miss you….R.I.P.

As I mentioned in the previous blog, I’ve decided to step down from a salaried manager to an hourly manager/team member. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now and I’ve finally decided to make that decision and step down. The two main reasons were being more present for my children and a piece of mind. This job requires 50 hours a week and each shift being different (opens, mids and closes and not in hat particular order. Once you do the math with the 50 hours, travel time and getting ready for work, too much time is being taken away from home. Yes as parents, we have responsibilities and sacrifices that we make on a daily basis but at what point do you say ok enough is enough? I have all boys and I do my best to keep them on the right path to success academically and personally. Too many influences out here for me to not have my presence known more than what it is now. My oldest son has scarified a lot of his kid time to help watch his brothers. I love him so much for it and not complaining but he’s 16 and does not have children he’s responsible for. I want him to enjoy his teenage years, football and his social life. Yes it’s a big pay cut but I never wanted to be hat parent depending on their child to help with siblings. It’s hurts working back to back shifts and seeing your kids for a brief moment while getting ready for school. It’s tough being tired and sleepy all the time and missing out on that time they need from me to tell me what’s going on in their little young but important lives. It’s trusting being irritable all the time over the smallest things because you can’t function 100% from the lack of rest. God will make a way for us to be ok and I’m so thankful that I’ll have more time with my kids. They’re all going through changes and they need all the support and undivided attention that they can get. I’m also going back to school!!!!! I’m so excited for this. I’ll be able to focus and finally get done because it’s been long enough. I’m ready to do what’s in my heart which is helping people (social work). I pray that I’ve made the right choice and I pray for the piece of mind that I’ve been missing.

Man! It’s been a while since I’ve last blogged and so much has been going on in my world both professional and personal. I’m taking it one day at a time to not overwhelm myself. I took a trip home to PA, saw friends and family that I haven’t seen in years!!! I ate plenty of good food 😊😊 I also faced some old situations that needed to be addressed. I relaxed for once while on vacation and it was great. I also decided to step down in management at work for a piece of mind and to have more time with my children 💛 I’m learning so many new things, including things about myself…who would have thought that could happen at 34 lol I’m also planning my 35th birthday which is coming up next month. I’m feeling that this milestone is important and I’m choosing to not pour energy to people or things that aren’t worth the energy or who can’t reciprocate the same energy. I’m ok with that!! I’m loving the woman I’m continuously growing into. Now…it’s time to get back to business and catch up on some things 😎

To my two Angels,

I love you! I miss you dearly. I miss what could have been. I miss the possibilities. I miss the life that could have been. I miss the fact that you aren’t physically here as a part of the bunch. I dreamed of you two and you were the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen. You looked like your brothers that are here with me. Perfect in every way. You told me that you were ok, were watching me and would always be with me. Everything happened for a reason and I truly believe that my two beautiful baby girls were sent to watch over me from the heavens and that my handsome boys were here to protect me here on this earth. At my most vulnerable and down moments, I feel protected. My first baby girl, I briefly saw you as you left my body. The pain I felt emotionally is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My second baby girl, I felt a familiar physical pain and I knew that our time here was over. My girls, my sweet baby girls…I say this because I knew you were my girls before you had the chance to be here. I’ve seen you in my dreams. Know that I always think of you and you’re always in my heart. I miss you. I miss the possibilities. I miss what could have been. I love you two always and forever. My Angels above, please continue to guide your brothers, protect your brothers and be with them.

Love always,

Your mommy 💛

💙💙👼🏾👼🏾💙💙

Ok, what I’m about to say is cliche but so true. Many women look for their fathers in the men they date. Guilty as charged. For some of us, not having that positive father figure or a father figure al together, affected us in so many ways throughout our lives and at times it was overlooked as something else. I have no shame in speaking my faults, so here we go. Staying in relationships/situationships because I was constantly looking for the missing pieces I missed growing up…protection, nurturing, reassurance, love with no conditions, stability and being that number one girl. I feel like a load has been lifted just saying all of that. I feel like having a father or father figure is important for girls growing up because they set the platform for how a man is supposed to treat and woman and that little girl then growing up to accept nothing less and only the best treatment. ULTIMATE FAIL HERE! No one is perfect by far, but we learn by example. Some of us learn without the example, which is great, but what about some of us who are somewhat conditioned to accept almost anything because we’re looking for that missing piece? At what point do we say, this is not acceptable and turn that example to I know what I want and deserve? Every woman wants to be loved, protected and treated like a princess/queen. We accept some mediocre behaviors thinking, great this is all that I need when in reality it’s far from the truth. I stayed in a marriage for stability and the fear of failing. Did I love him? Absolutely. But I was unhappy for a long time because I accepted being content and stable and not demanding, then following through with what I deserved and wanted. This last relationship…….I felt protected when he was around but I didn’t feel loved, nurtured, reassured, like the number one girl or stable. I couldn’t open up and speak the truth of my heart. I was constantly wanting and waiting for everything I was missing to happen. I thought of my own father who was absent most of my life due to his own issues and demons. I love my father but I didn’t like this fact that I experienced so much pain and couldn’t run to his arms. Instead, I ran into the arms of those who I thought could love and treat me like I wish my father would have. I’m raising four boys into men. I pray that if and when they have children, they won’t be the missing pieces. I constantly tell them how women should be treated and I sit back and watch them apply. I’ll be 35 years old this June and I feel like looking for those missing pieces in the wrong people is old and tired. I’ve experienced enough to know what I deserve and nothing less than the best. I applaud the little girl in me for staying strong for so long, never giving up and still being able to love unconditional regardless of life being thrown at her in so many ways. No longer looking for those missing pieces and finding something wholesome.