I find myself watching cartoons here and there. Sometimes it’s intentional, like when I’m upset or if something’s bothering me. Other times, it’s just when I stop running through the channels and it just happens to land on Spongebob lol I sat and thought about it and I honestly feel that I use this escape reality, even if it’s for a short amount of time. It’s also a recap for me to my childhood or the lack of at several points it seemed like. I feel like that little girl, zoned out, watching tv and not having a care in a world. Temporarily finding that innocent, untainted happy place that once existed as a child. I amaze myself with how everything seems to be ok in that time frame where Doug or Bugs Bunny may have my attention. I’m no longer sad, mad, upset, consumed with worry and not having to deal with the messy part of the reality that’s lived. It feels GREAT to be in that fantasy world but at the end of the day, reality is real as hell and it needs to be dealt with…..accordingly.

So today at work, I was told that I come off as aggressive and with a strong attitude when asked for something. Ha!!!! Ok, I get that I can be a little blunt and my short line of patience shows at times BUT…those me who really know me, knows that I’m not an aggressive person with a strong attitude when asked for help. I had to explain to this young lady that, for one, I’m only one person. One person that’s constantly being pulled in 20 directions for the 8-10 hours that I’m at work. When people ask for something I can’t always do it right away. In those instances I just ask for a moment and I’ll be right there. Apparently it’s not good enough. Or I can be having a conservation with someone and instead of patiently waiting or saying excuse me, they talk right away. That is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. USE YOUR MANNERS!!!! I work in an industry where everything is go go go. I get that. But before saying I have an attitude, come off aggressive or mean, understand that I have things to do as well and all 20+ employees need my attention along with any guests who may need me. This generation seems to think that they get what they want, when they want. They can also be overly sensitive at times in my opinion. I do have my days where I’m beyond irritated and I slip by letting it show. For that, I truly do apologize. What happened to using our manners though? Saying excuse me before interrupting a conversation, understanding that things don’t always happen right away, knowing that a person only has 2 hands and 2 legs and the level of stress that can occur at any given moment. There are days I just want to say forget it all, but my heart is too big and I care way too much. This generation needs patience and a little more understanding to the circumstances and surroundings.

We often find ourselves wondering why we go through some of the things that we go through, especially if it’s a difficult situation. It could be a range of things…finances, careers, addictions, relationships…the list goes on and on. One thing I say to myself is, “What have I done or gone through to where I’m asking myself, why am I going through or putting up with something that I know I don’t have to deal with?” This is where I REWIND. Have I or someone close to me gone through before? ADDRESS. What made myself put up with the any negative situation? CHANGE. What do I need to do to get out of this situation? I have this big dream of me being married again, possibly another child, owning my business, buying my house and being 200% available to my children at all times without any distractions…this distraction is mainly working. For ANY of this to possibly happen, I must REWIND. ADDRESS. CHANGE. Reflect old scars (I’ll address these in a future blog), confront and work through them, and then change this comfortable pattern I’ve been repeating for far too long. It may be a little painful, but the feeling afterwards, I’m definitely looking forward to. 💛

So after this lovely tattoo, I ended a very toxic relationship for the last time. I say for the last time because several time we have parts ways and stopped speaking but never officially broke up when we had a so called title. I did not plan on ending this relationship while getting this tattoo but, it must have been a sign. Time and time again, I knew in my heart, mind and soul that I needed to end it. Through all of the tears, pain, lies, deceit and suspicions, I stayed and tried to be the best woman I could be to and for him. In the process, I started losing myself and loving myself less. The fear of letting go hit me over and over. Abandonment and disappointment are the two biggest feelings that hit my core the most. I feared to let go of a man that I love (yes, that’s present tense, I still love him) so much because I was too comfortable and too content with what I thought I wanted. I feared that someone else would have him…I feared that I would let him down if I walked away…I feared that I would fail again at loving someone. My fear of letting go held me back from so many things and so many unseen blessings. My fear of letting go has now turned into my strength to move forward. I will continue to be who I am and not let this past relationship change how I love. I will not have fear to let go of something or someone that doesn’t add a positive purpose in mine or my children’s life. I’m thankful for this experience because I know that my faith and strength conquers my fears 💛💛

So I got a new tattoo yesterday that says “free” attached to a flying bird. Something small and simple with a big meaning. Free…free from pain, hurt, disappointment and any negativity. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that we hold on to the past for so many unnecessary reasons, which can hinder our growth in so many areas and aspects of life. While getting this tattoo, I talked with the artist about being free and it was a great conversation. I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal battles and anyone knows that, that alone can be exhausting. So I decided, it’s time to let go and be free. Many won’t understand how deep this is for me, which is fine because as long as I know, everything’s good. It’s a choice to be free of the nonsense and from anything holding me from truly being who I am and I choose to be free.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton